Aliens vs Predator Requiem

Clichés, watered down and fed to you as if you haven’t seen them before – a Frankenstein of a movie without the drama, quirks, originality and vision.

So I’m 12 minutes and 49 seconds into the movie and I’m really pissed off as I witness Dawson-look-alike set up the inevitable boring cast of characters and events: jock is going to die from aliens so pizza-boy saves the girl and the world; or there will be a twist which by the time I make it that far I will be disinterested and too disengaged to care hmmm do I need to watch more to be at that stage?). I have to give a another grace with the awful CGI work on the Chestbursters alleviating themselves from the cliché american (lower-case “A” cause they don’t deserve it atm) forest characters, and oh look a rip-off-can’t-be-innovative heroin character with a bag of *surprise* military gear! It’s inevitable, unstoppable, but just how far into arse-buggery will they go?

Meanwhile I’m thinking how this actually fits in with the mythology of the previous (in the future of [wo]mankind) movies and computer games aside from plucking character designs and organising an activity of Who Can Write The Lamest Movie. It seems they give the canon of Alien a few minutes thought and plug a rather half-hearted attempt. Personally I think (as I’m sure others do) that the Aliens versus Predator movies should be treated as an infection on the original Alien and Predator (and the AvP computer games) movies – that is to say completely foreign and virtually nothing to do with the original host other than a parasitic relationship. What annoys me the most is the brute force advertising campaign for this movie all over Europe – posters at every bus stop! It is terrible because that means more unfortunate people are going to see this shit and write-off the previous movies.

The authors of this project gave it the heave-ho in the dark side of the groin. Aliens vs Those-Stupid-F*&king-Teens; at least you knew what to expect from movies like Cabin Fever and the likes and could settle in and vegetate for a good hour and a half over 7 buckets of blood and ponder which pubescent twat was going to bite the dust first. But this approach is out of place for what should be fairly sophisticated sci-fi horror by now. I expected a little more creativity, no, I HOPED for more creativity in this latest instalment from a franchise begging to just die saving some of the rapidly withering dignity it has left after the kicking from fat, nob-head, money-driven, heavy-handed, butter-fingered, uneducated, Hollywanks.

Most of the film looks like shots from the other movies composited together. There’s little enrichment of what have become the archetypal Alien and Predator characters, in fact there are no ideas in this movie at all (for those of you thinking that the Predator playing host to the Alien to make a new breed – that’s straight from the computer game). It’s one of those “safe” franchise movies where nothing new is contributed but rather previous brilliance is pillaged and brought to a dull sheen. I think dovetailing the end of Aliens 4 and setting this whole thing in a post-apocalyptic Earth would of at least been a little more interesting and new.

Ok the blue goo… what were they thinking in the concept department with that!? If it makes everything disappear then why not arm the Predator with a super-soaker and just hose the Aliens?

LOL Moments

Little girl is a rip-off too. With mother figure, heroin, military woman – Aliens.
Alien swimming through the water – Aliens 4 made it look so much better.
The human mother thing – it wasn’t a complete rip of Aliens 4 but it also didn’t have much impact.
The drive in the armoured truck – Aliens one actually was suspenseful.
Ripley moments towards the end.
Predator versus Arnold the Tyranid.

Pros